A day of despair

22 December, 2019

Today was like any other day. We went to Prerna aunty for your therapy in the morning and in the evening. You asked for cupcakes. We went to the Bakers Heaven, you were very excited as you loved and relished them. You specifically wanted the red velvet cake. And as luck would have it, the bakery had red velvet cup cakes. You enjoyed eating them. We came back home and you started  cycling with your dad. Pappa was teaching you to cycle without the training wheels. Advait and Ashritha had come to play and you got busy playing cricket with them. I was so astonished seeing you ball like a pro. Pappa taught you how to ball like cricketers do and I even took a small video. 

Pedananna came along with Madhu and Malavi akka and you got busy playing with them and watching tv. After a few minutes of your pedananna heading back home, you too vanished. I realised it within 5 minutes unlike the last time when we realised it too late. You took your bicycle and headed towards the main road. The road was full of vehicles and each one of us ran in different directions to search for you. Kaka found you on the main road and a known uncle had stopped you from going ahead and was getting you back home. 

I was so furious and I lost my cool. I took you in the bedroom, closed the door and hit you black and blue. Never in my life had I beaten you so much. I took a wooden spatula and beat you till my hands hurt and ached. You cried saying "I'm sorry mummy, I will not go on main road ".. but I was mad, I was furious, my mind was filled with all those nights where I had cried for you to be all ok. My mind was filled with all the sacrifices I made for you and your therapies but I failed. I closed you in the bedroom for another 10 minutes and went out. I wanted to calm myself down. Nanamma got you out, and you cried your heart out. You hugged her tight. And you complained... "Mummy maarli"... (mummy beat me). I couldn't hold back my tears, I ran into the bedroom and cried my heart out. I just couldn't come to terms with the fact that I beat you so hard. I had always believed in gentle parenting but today was just too overwhelming for me. I had taken out my frustration on you. I felt so so guilty of doing so.

In sometime you came in the bedroom, and saw me crying. I dont know what instigated you but you started crying too and asked me to stop crying... "mummy please don't cry.. naak pusun ghe" (wipe your nose)... these were your exact words and you tried finding a napkin to wipe my tears, since you couldn't you wiped it using my nighty. That moment I felt a throbbing pain in my chest and I picked you up and hugged you tight. You kept wiping my tears with your hands. You didn't deserve to be beaten like that. I cursed myself. I didn't deserve to be your mom.

This was the very first time you complained about something. This was the very first time you reciprocated my emotions. It was for the very first time in 5 years you wiped my tears and you understood that I was hurt. It was a small victory for me as you never did it before. 6 months back you were not aware of what is wrong for you and what wrong is happening to you. You endured all wrong doings, you cried and kept quiet. You now understood that you have to speak up and complain. You understood the meaning of compassion and wiping tears when someone is crying. I don't know if I should be proud of you for growing up and understanding or if I should be dejected that you went all alone on the roads again without informing.. yet again !!

I'm always here for you my baby. Mummy will fight the world for you and we will fight everyone together. You have taught me to forget and forgive and you are the purest soul I have ever come across. Love you loads Samu.. ❤❤

With love,

Aai